It’s gonna be biblical

Let me start from the beginning… Kind of ;) This year I was supposed to spend the st Sylvester night with my two best friends, Magda and Pauka. It was Magdas’ idea, and I was undescribably happy that she came up with it. But 3 days before the ‘big night’ she told me and Pauka that, as we have no options, she’s gonna spend this time with Czarna and her friends… As usual. You can imagine how happy I was then… So we stayed 2, but on the St Sylvester Pauka decieded to stay home, she didn’t want to go to any of my friends and preferred staying home… Hence I was desperate… I decided to go to Judis’ apart, and then to go to Kamieniołomy with Wawrzon and some of his friends, just to have some fun at last… But it wasn’t the kind of a party I dreamed of… Either way, things went bizzar… Pauka came <3, my lifesaver!, we had some fun, it was great! J But she felt not to good and went home around 1 o’clock. Then I stayed ‘alone’ and hope to talk to Wawrzon, maybe dance with him or something, just… spend with him a few hours before my departure to France… But it didn’t happen either, he was too drunk, yet he had time to make himself clear about the way that he feels about me… That was quite a show. Shocking. A little bit different from what I was expecting to hear on the New Year, and maybe not exactly the way I would think of it, but still… Romantic?

But now, as I’m sitting alone at the airoport (we had a flight 1.01 at 19;30 to Frankfurt, we spent there the whole night, I don’t even wanna go back to it… and in the morning took a flight to Paris, to take another plane to Toulouse. But we didn’t make it. Although we run through the whole airoport, cause as usual our planes were located just in the two most dispersed places, we didn’t get into this plane… Thus, we had to buy another tickets for the last flight to Toulouse, two last seats… nice, ha?... So I spent another day at the airoport. Through the last 3 days I can say I slept about 7hours tops, and from tomorrow I have my session exams, hurey. Beautiful way to start a new year I would say :D … So, now as I’m sitting here alone, for another whole day… (Asia went to a hotel)… I’m just processing all of what have happened during my stay in Warsaw… Wawrzon loves me, he says he could just do pretty much anything for me… But I just don’t see it… I mean, I don’t know how to explain this… I can see he cares about me, and I know I feel the same way about him… But I’m just so afraid it’s gonna be again the same thing… I don’t know… I just think, nothing will change him… And, as I fall for him as he was at the beginning, during some time we screwed it up between us, and now I know, I don’t wanna be with him as he was… I am a strong person, but I’m becoming weak with him… I don’t wanna make a princess from myself, thus I don’t expect him to call me any minute just to make sure whether everything fine with me… I had a terrible last 32hours, I’m exhausted, at the airoport I thought I would die from a stomach ache, and I just wanted him to call me… but I didn’t say anything. I am strong, but ‘if I have a man’ I want some support from him… I will never say it out laud, but I want, I need it… It’s something that just makes me feel appreciated, like a woman… like I’m worth it…

 I don’t know what will happen… I just know that a very hard conversation with Finn is just ahead of me… And I can really mess up my life in here if it’ll turn up, that coming back to Wawrzon was a mistake… And I’m not sure if I am ready for that… There are only two options right now… Whether we’re finally live a fairytale, he’ll change and everything will be ‘happily ever after’, or it’s the last time I fall for his words… Already now I have problems with believing in it, and it scares me… Cause I really don’t know if I should be doing this, I’m so afraid I’m singing up for a lot of pain again… I hope it will be good… And, of course it’s not that he was the only one that should change, I did too! I know my drawbacks, maybe not all of them, so I’ll just try to work them through, but I already did change a few things, I wanna be perfect, as I want a perfect relationship, all I want is happiness… in one word, everything is in his hands… I’m terrified. I want it, want it to be good, or it will break me, but for the last time…